


i can't breathe without you (but i have to)

by Lymans



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 07:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4597731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lymans/pseuds/Lymans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If he loses her then he’s never going to come back from it. She means too much to him. She is too important to him. He can’t lose her."</p><p>Jake and Amy are on pause. They have time to figure this relationship thing out. But then life gets in the way and Jake realises they might not have time after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't breathe without you (but i have to)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. I'm seven and a half thousand words into a fake dating fic for these two. Then I read some comments about how Jake and Amy probably won't start dating until the end of S3 and I got to thinking about how the writers could keep them apart for another nine months. This fic started out with that idea. Then it took a whole other route and turned into a 13k monster.

“We know you and Paulie met on the night of the robbery. We know you have no real alibi for the rest of that night. And we know that you’re driving around in a car that’s way out of the price range of a bouncer. So why don’t you just tell us what happened? The DA is willing to make a deal if you talk.”

“I ain’t no rat and I ain’t got nothin’ to say to you, sweetheart.”

Anger rushes through Amy’s veins at his words but she pushes it down and sends him a cold look. “Fine. We’ll see if another night in lock-up changes your mind. You’ve got 24 hours before this deal runs out and you spend the next fifteen years behind bars.”

Pushing her chair away, she walks out of the interrogation room, leaving behind her suspect and his smug face. The overhead lights hum in the empty hallway and she takes the chance at a moment of solitude to lean back against the wall and take a deep breath.

The sound of a door opening catches her attention but she keeps her eyes closed and forces more air into her lungs in an attempt to calm herself. However she senses Jake’s familiar presence as goosebumps trail up her arms and she slowly opens her eyes to see him standing across from her.

“Tony still not talking then?”

“No and I would happily throw the book at him if the DA wasn’t breathing down our necks to get him to flip on his associates.”

He fiddles with the rubber ball in his hands and looks at her. “How much longer have you got?”

“The deal expires in twenty-four hours but I’m sure the DA will come up with another genius idea if I haven’t got him to crack by then.”

“You want me to have a try?”

“No thanks.” She shakes her head. “I’ll let him sweat it out in the cells for another night and if that doesn’t work then maybe you can take a run at him.”

“Right.”

“Jake, could we maybe-“

She doesn’t even get to finish her sentence before he cuts her off. “Well I’d better…” He gestures awkwardly at the door to the other interrogation room where his own suspect is waiting. “See you later.”

As the door closes behind him, she thumps her head back against the wall and closes her eyes once more. It has been six weeks since they kissed in the evidence locker and everything between her and Jake is still tinged with awkwardness.

She knew how stressed out Jake had been the loss of both Holt and Gina and she hadn’t wanted to force him into even more change by diving into a relationship with her if he wasn’t ready. So she had offered him the chance to pause until everything was back to normal and they could figure things out. She had wanted him to say no but he had agreed it sounded like a good idea. So they’d acted professional and worked with the new captain while plotting how to get Holt back. Except Holt is back now. Normal has supposedly resumed and yet Jake is still determinedly avoiding her and any attempts to finally talk about what’s going on between them. Apparently he took pause to mean stop and never bothered to tell her.

Amy is tired of it. She misses Jake. She misses what she thought they were on their way to being. Every day she sees him and she wants to kiss him but now there’s an invisible boundary she’s not allowed to cross because their moment is over and she never got the memo.  And she misses her friend. He sits across from her every day but their conversations never stray beyond discussions about work and she can’t remember the last time they laughed together or he text her on her way home. Apparently pause didn’t just mean pausing their feelings for each other but also their friendship too.

“Santiago, we just had a call. Apparently the suspect on yours and Diaz’s domestic case has shown up at his mother’s house.”

Amy bites back a groan at Terry’s words. She has already been on shift for twelve hours and is looking forward to clocking out and leaving behind all the awkwardness and tension that comes with her job these days. At home, there is a bottle of wine in her fridge, a backlog of TV shows on her DVR and no Jake ducking her attempts at conversation. But Rosa and her have been working their domestic violence case for the past two weeks and have been waiting for their perp to show his face. His cockiness at re-appearing only two weeks after he beat his wife so badly that the doctors still didn’t know if she will survive makes Amy seethe and she pushes aside thoughts of her bathtub and sofa.

“On it, sarge.”  

 Rosa and her are silent in the car as they head to the address dispatch had sent up. They have both seen their fair share of terrible people in their time at the 9-9 but domestic violence cases always feature a particularly awful kind of scumbag. The victim this time, Lynn Lester, had to be placed in a medically induced coma after her husband smashed her head against a wall so violently that surgeons had to remove part of her skull to try and reduce swelling. She is still in the coma and her son, who has his own collection of scars and bruises thanks to his father, has been placed in foster care until they know if his mother would make it. The whole situation is tragic and Amy wants nothing more than the satisfaction of arresting this guy with the knowledge he will never touch either of them again.

“Isn’t that his car?” A brown sedan is parked on the deserted street and Amy flicks through the police report until she finds the image of his car. A perfect match.

“Idiot.”

They park their car in front of his, blocking in his only means of escape, and wait until the door opens and Aaron walks out of the house. Silence fills the residential street as the two of them step out of their car. His gaze freezes on them and they watch as he registers their presence and leaps down the steps.

“I’m on it.” Without checking to see if Rosa is following, Amy sprints down the street in the direction of their suspect, her legs burning as she tries to match his long strides. As he rounds the corner into an alley, she throws herself on top of him, tackling him to the ground.

“You-“

The rest of her words are lost as his fist collides with her jaw and she hisses in pain as she feels the warm rush of blood fill her mouth and her head smacks against the ground. She struggles as he pushes her down, his weight pressing into her, and she pushes against him, letting her nails dig into his skin. The smirk on his face lets her know she hasn’t hurt him and she tries to raise her legs to kick him but the world is swirling and he is heavy on top of her. The sound of Rosa’s footsteps echo down the street but she can feel Aaron’s hands against her side and she fights to pull his arm away as she feels him draw something from her belt.

She can see Rosa out of the corner of her eye. The world keeps spinning and there is a ringing in her ears as her head throbs and her lungs gasp for air. Then there is a sound almost like a car backfiring and Amy’s head swirls even more as the sound echoes again. She scrabbles for why it sounds so familiar. _Gunshot._ It isn’t a car. It’s a gunshot.

 She knows she should do something; it is her job to do something. But her whole body suddenly hurts and it feels like Aaron is crushing her lungs. Except she can see Aaron and he isn’t on top of her anymore. He is lying still on the ground next to her. So why does she hurt so much?

“Santiago. Santiago, can you hear me?”

Rosa’s voice echoes from far away and it sounds like she is talking underwater. Amy wants to laugh because why would Rosa be underwater but she can’t seem to get the air she needs into her lungs. A gasp for breath sends a fiery pain through her chest and she tries to scream out but there is no sound. Another gasp and another bolt of pain.

Her vision swims. Blinking, she sees Rosa above her, face drained of any colour, with her phone cradled against her neck.

“-shot. We need an ambulance now-“

The rest of Rosa’s words are lost as she coughs violently, sending another wave of pain washing over her as warm blood splatters from her mouth. Her vision blurs but she twists her head and sees the crimson red colour of Rosa’s hands which are pressed firmly to her chest.

She gasps for air again, desperate for the feeling of oxygen in her lungs, but there is no pain this time nor the sweet relief of air rushing into her lungs. She blinks. Her chest no longer aches but the world is still swirling as Rosa sways in and out of her eye line.

She shivers and wishes she was in bed, far away from all of this. Maybe she will close her eyes, just for a minute. She is so tired.

“Amy, open your eyes.” She blinks and sees Rosa looking more terrified than she has ever seen her. She sounds even further far away now. “You need to stay with me.” Rosa seems so desperate for her to keep her eyes open and she really wants to but her eyes feel so heavy.

As her eyes fall closed, Amy knows with startling clarity that she is going to die.

“Amy? Amy?”

* * *

 

The blinds have been closed in Holt’s office for the past five minutes, a rarity in itself. But after he closed them, he immediately summoned Terry into his office and no one has come back out since. From Jake’s vantage point he can see nothing but a closed door. He knows it is none of his business but he is naturally nosey – it is part of being a good detective! – and he wants to know what could be so important. Ever since Holt’s return, Jake has been waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something to go wrong again. If his childhood had taught him anything, it was that things never stayed content for long. There had been seven years of happiness when he was a kid and then his dad had left, his mum had become overworked and all the magical parts of childhood had faded. Things go wrong; that is the way of the world. Holt had returned just like his dad had. And every time his dad left again. It’s only a matter of time before Holt does the same.

“Jake, you coming to the bar?” Unwillingly, Jake drags his gaze from the captain’s door and shakes his head at Charles.

“Not tonight.”

“Oh come on, Jakey, it’ll be great. Just two boys out on the town.”

“Pass.”

He’s going to add a witty retort when the captain’s door opens and the two men walk out.

“If I could have your attention for a moment.” The captain’s voice is heavy and even Gina stops by the elevator and turns back to listen. “I know you’re all eager to get home but I have just had a phone call.”

There is this thing when you’re a kid where you just know that something bad is about to happen. It’s that moment where you leap off the climbing frame and you suddenly know you are going to break your arm. Or when you walk into school, see your teacher, and remember the homework still sitting on the dining table. Your stomach sinks, your palms sweat and you feel like you are going to throw up. Jake has that feeling right now and he rubs his palms against his trousers, waiting for the captain to continue.

“There was an incident earlier this evening involving Detectives Diaz and Santiago. Detective Santiago was shot while subduing a suspect.”

The other shoe drops.

“Is she okay?”

“The hospital wouldn’t disclose her condition over the phone. Sergeant Jeffords and I are heading to the hospital now. The rest of you are welcome to join us if you so wish.”

There is noise and chatter as the cops who don’t know Amy, the ones who see her in passing and occasionally hand her cases, dissect the news between themselves as they shuffle towards the elevators, uninterested in visiting a colleague they barely know. Jake wants to tell them to shut up but Holt’s words are playing on repeat in his brain and he can’t tear his gaze away from her desk.

Amy. Shot.

Amy has been shot.

The words don’t compute in his brain, the idea too ridiculous to comprehend. Amy can’t have been shot. Amy doesn’t get shot. She is the calm and reasonable one in their partnership who does everything by the book. She subdues suspects, she arrests them and she brings them to the precinct. She doesn’t get shot.

There’s no way she can have been shot. She was sat at her desk only a couple of hours ago, talking about her case and arguing on the phone. He’d watched her without her noticing, taking in her wild gestures and the little crinkle in her forehead as she forced herself to be polite to the DA. She had been so vividly, wonderfully Amy. And now she is….

 _‘Dying. Dead,’_ his brain helpfully supplies and his stomach lurches again.

“Jake?” He jolts at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Gina standing by him. “We’re going to the hospital. You coming?”

Holt, Terry and Charles are all standing by the elevator waiting for him and he wants to say something but he only manages to nod. He collects his things on autopilot and forces himself not to think about how odd it feels to be leaving the precinct without saying goodbye to Amy.

The ride to the hospital is silent. The five of them squish themselves into Terry’s minivan and in any other situation, the sight of Holt surrounded by cuddly toys and baby bottles would be amusing. Jake doesn’t feel much like laughing though so he presses his head to the glass and recites lines from Die Hard under his breath. Halfway there, Gina slides her hand into his and squeezes it tightly. Tears sting in his eyes and he takes a shaky breath before carrying on repeating lines he knows off by heart because every time he stops, he sees Amy lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood.

They arrive at the hospital and bombard the receptionist who has no interest in giving information to anyone who isn’t family. They throw around titles and badges – Gina gives the woman her very best death stare – until she finally relents and sends them to the surgical waiting room, which is empty aside from one familiar figure.

“Detective Diaz.”

Rosa stands up at Holt’s voice and like that, Jake’s hope that this was all some huge misunderstanding vanishes. Rosa is unshakeable. She always has been since their days in the academy. No matter what they see, Rosa never lets it get to her. But her face is pale, drained of any colour, and her eyes are swollen and red. There’s no sign of her usual leather jacket and black shirt, which have been traded for a pale blue scrub top.

The realisation that her own clothes have been taken for evidence because they were covered in blood makes Jake’s stomach lurch again.

“Sir.” Her voice is quiet and everything feels wrong.

“Are you injured?”

She shakes her head. “No. I was lu-“ Her unfinished sentence hangs in the air. Lucky. She was lucky. Amy was unlucky.

“Has there been any news?” Terry pours her a glass of water in an attempt to have something to do and passes it to her before lowering himself into a seat. The rest of them follow suit.

“No one’s been in since we got here. They checked me out, gave me the all clear and sent me here. They took Amy into surgery an hour ago.”

There are so many questions Jake wants to ask but his head is buzzing so he leaves the questions to Holt, listening at Rosa describes the incident. As she walks them through it all, he hears the regret in her words. She was too slow. Amy ran off without her. She was too slow catching up with them. They were fighting on the ground when she reached them. She was too slow drawing her gun. He shot Amy with her own weapon. She was too slow.

There’s still blood on Rosa’s hands – _Amy’s blood_ – and he can see it as clearly as if he was there, the detective fighting to keep Amy alive, pressing his hands to the wound to try and stop the bleeding while the damn ambulance is too far away.

Over the years Jake has been to numerous murder scenes. He knows what a bullet can do, especially one to the chest, and what that looks like. He’s seen the holes in corpses and the puddles of blood staining the floor. In his first year in uniform, he’d been called to a hold-up at a bodega and had arrived just in time to see the shopkeeper shot. His partner had arrested the guy and Jake had watched as the man bled to death, blood pouring from his chest and even more gurgling from his mouth as he gasped his last few breaths. It had been the first death he had ever witnessed and the idea of Amy being in the same position makes his stomach churn.

There’s a burning in his throat as he pictures her lying there gasping for air and he turns to vomit violently into the trash can beside him. The rest of the squad leaps into action. Charles passes him a tissue and Holt thrusts a glass of water into his hand while Gina rubs his back. He tries to thank them but a sob escapes him and then there are tears streaming down his cheeks. He thinks he should be embarrassed that he is crying in front of his colleagues but he can’t bring himself to care. Amy, the woman who is so much more to him than just a friend and partner, is lying somewhere in this hospital dying and there’s nothing he can do about it.

They don’t talk as they wait. There’s nothing to say. Terry mentions calling Amy’s parents but Holt says they should hold off until they know her condition. ‘Until they know if she’s alive or dead,’ Jake thinks and he thinks he might throw up again. After that they sit in silence, watching as the clock ticks on. He catches Rosa’s eye at one point and sees the tear stains on her cheeks. The guilt is easy to read on her face and he shrugs off his jacket before moving over to join her. With anyone else he’d hold their hand or hug them but this is Rosa so he simply sits next to her in silence, waiting.

After two hours, Charles goes to get them all coffee but Jake leaves his untouched on the table. He hasn’t eaten or drunk anything since lunch time but the idea of sitting and drinking coffee while Amy fights for her life leaves him feeling nauseated.

Three hours in Terry steps outside and calls his wife to let her know what’s happened. It’s close to midnight but none of them leave. Charles is curled up in the corner sleeping and Gina is painting her nails, her hands shaking and smearing the polish. Jake hasn’t moved since he sat next to Rosa and Holt sits on his other side now, flicking through an old copy of the New Yorker, while Rosa chews on her nails and he stares into space, thinking about everything except what could be happening elsewhere in the hospital.

It’s five to midnight and Jake is in the middle of recounting every player in the history of the Nets when the door opens and an intimidating woman in dark blue scrubs walks in. Charles startles awake at the sound of the door and all of them stand up at her arrival. She tugs off a scrub cap and nods at them.

“I’m Dr Yang. I assume you’re here about Amy Santiago.” They nod. “You should have a seat.”

If there was anything left in Jake’s stomach, he thinks he would throw it back up. Those words are never good. If Amy was alright then the doctor would be smiling or using encouraging words.  ‘You should have a seat’ is the medical equivalent of ‘we need to talk.’

The five of them drop back down into their seats but they all lean forward, desperate for news.

“Amy was in critical condition when she came in. The bullet did severe damage to her chest cavity. It ricocheted off her ribs and perforated her left aorta. She was lucky to make it here alive.” Instinctively he reaches out and squeezes Rosa’s knee as he feels her tense beside him. “We took her straight to the OR where she coded before we even got her on the table. We managed to resuscitate her and placed her on bypass for the duration of the surgery. We then performed an emergency thoracotomy, worked to control the bleeding and re-inflated her lung which had collapsed from the impact of the bullet. However, when we took Amy off bypass, her heart struggled to restart and she was without oxygen for a sustained period of time.”

“What does that mean?” Charles asks.

“It means there is a risk of brain damage. Unfortunately we can’t know the extent of that, or if there’s any at all, until she wakes up. That combined with the head trauma she sustained during the incident has given us enough cause for concern that we have placed her in a medically induced coma. That will hopefully give both her brain and body the time she needs to recover. The next twenty-four hours are going to be crucial.”

The doctor’s words wash over Jake and he tries to take them in but all he feels is panic. Amy’s heart stopped beating. She could have brain damage. She could still die. Dots start dancing in front of his eyes and he feels himself beginning to hyperventilate.

“Breathe, Peralta.” Holt’s voice is calming in his ear and he tries to force himself to do as he says. “Santiago is alive.”

He focuses on those three words. Santiago is alive. Amy is alive.

“Have you spoken to her family?” Dr Yang asks.

“We were waiting to hear the news before we contacted them.”

The doctor nods at that as her pager beeps on her hip. “If you excuse me, I have another patient to attend to. One of the nurses will be in shortly to escort you to Amy’s room for a short visit.”

And then she’s gone, hurrying off to deliver more news or dive back into another surgery.

“She’s alive,” Charles says echoing Holt’s words.

Rosa looks relieved but she mumbles something about going to the bathroom and slips out of the door, the tension radiating from her making it clear that she doesn't want to be followed.

“I am going to call her parents and let them know what’s happened. When the nurse comes to visit, Peralta, you will go and see her first.”

Holt’s tone leaves no room for questioning and Jake settles for watching the hands of the clock tick round and waiting for a nurse to come in.

“You guys should go home,” he says as he sees Terry, Charles and Gina all stifling yawns out of the corner of his eye.

“We’re not leaving you alone.”

“I’ll be alright. And you heard what the doctor said. Amy isn’t waking up any time soon. There’s no point all of us being here and exhausting ourselves. You know she wouldn’t want that.”

They try and object but they’re all dead on their feet and finally accept defeat, gathering up their belongings and promising to come and visit tomorrow. As they leave Jake tries not to think about the fact that it’s not guaranteed Amy will even be alive tomorrow.

Before he can wander any further down that macabre path, the door opens and a small woman clad in pink scrubs comes in.

“Are you here for Amy Santiago?” He nods and stands up, scrubbing at his face in an attempt to wake himself up. “Follow me.”

The nurse leads him silently through the hospital and he’s thankful that she doesn’t attempt to make conversation. Although he supposes this isn’t an uncommon situation for her, accompanying strangers to visit their injured loved ones.

She leads him through a door labelled Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and he feels his palms start to sweat again as they walk past a row of private rooms. Eventually she stops outside one with a closed door and gives him a small smile.

“She’s in here. It’s going to be difficult for you to see her. There’s lots of scary-looking wires and tubes but just remember that they’re all keeping her alive. The fact she’s made it this far is a great sign.” Her optimism is infectious and he manages something that he hopes vaguely resembles a smile. “If you need anything then just ask.” She gestures to the nurses’ station at the other end of the corridor.

When she walks away, Jake stands frozen with his hand on the door handle. He has no idea what he’s going to see on the other side of that door and all he can think about is the last time he saw Amy and the fact that she might never look like that again.

With a shaky breath, he walks into her room and closes the door behind him. At first he keeps his eyes trained on the floor and focuses on the whirring and humming coming from machines somewhere in front of him. But then he lifts his gaze up and a sob shudders through him. _Amy._ She lies flat on the bed, totally still and silent. There seem to be wires and tubes everywhere and she looks impossibly small amongst them all. There’s a ventilator tube protruding from her mouth and her chest rises and falls in time with the quiet whirring of one of the machines beside her bed. More tubes and wires trail from her chest, arms and legs and he tries to remember what the nurse said – they’re all keeping her alive. In that moment, they are his favourite thing in the world.

He steps closer and doesn’t bother to wipe away the tears that fall as he looks at her. Her jaw is bruised and swollen and there are butterfly stitches on a cut on her head. The white surgical bandage pokes out of the top of her hospital gown and an itchy looking blue blanket rests on her legs, hiding any further injury from view.

He strokes her hair without even thinking, the soft dark strands falling through his fingers, and his heart hurts as her eyes don’t even flicker at his touch. This morning she had been telling Hitchcock off for using her favourite mug for his orange peel and now she’s unconscious, fighting for her life. It isn’t fair.

Dropping down into the chair beside her bed, he reaches for her hand, careful not to knock out the IV that disappears into her arm. Every part of her body seems to be invaded by wires and tubes, leaving no part of her untouched.   Her hand is warm, the only sign that she’s still alive beyond the machines forcing air into her lungs, and he clings to it, rubbing circles with his thumb as the ventilator breathes for her.

He’s not sure how long he sits there for  - maybe it’s minutes and maybe it’s hours - drawing circles on her skin and praying for the first time since he was a teenager but the sound of a cough from the door catches his attention and he turns to see Holt standing in the entrance.

“Captain.” He knows what this looks like, him sitting at his partner’s bedside in the middle of the night as he holds her hand, but he can’t bring himself to care. They wasted so much time and now he might never get to hold her hand properly so what his boss thinks of him doesn’t even rank on his list of concerns. But Holt doesn’t say anything, simply moving to the end of Amy’s bed and looking at her.

“I called her parents,” he finally says after the pair of them listen to the steady beep of her heart monitor. “They’re on their way in and they’re calling her brothers. You should go home and rest.”

“Captain-“ he starts but the older man cuts him off.

“That’s not a request. It’s an order. You have been on your feet since seven am. It’s been a long day and you need to go home and rest.” He opens his mouth to protest but Holt continues. “You’re not going to be any good to her like this. She would want you to look after yourself.”

It’s a sneaky move but he’s right. If Amy was here – really here, not in a coma with no idea what’s going on – then she’d be shoving him into bed and ordering him to go to sleep.

“What if…” He trails off because he can’t finish that sentence. He can’t.

“You will go home and sleep. You will shower. You will eat a proper meal. Then you will come back here when visiting hours begin. What Santiago needs right now is for you to take care of yourself and to have hope.” He gestures to the bed. “She is fighting for her life. Don’t give up on her.”

He wants to tell Holt that he hasn’t given up and that’s he just scared – terrified – of losing her but the captain is sitting down on the other side of her bed and his attention is entirely focused on Amy.

Standing up, he pulls on his jacket and looks down at his partner once more, squeezing her hand tightly and hoping for some kind of reaction from her. But there’s nothing, just the continued rising and falling of her chest. Bending down, he brushes aside her hair and presses a kiss to her forehead.

“You better wake up soon and tell me off for kissing you in front of the captain.”

His hand is on the door when Holt speaks again. “I don’t expect to see you at the precinct tomorrow, Peralta.”

* * *

 

Jake dreams that he is running down the street trying to catch Amy. She turns a corner and disappears from sight before a shot echoes in the night air. By the time he reaches her, she is lying on the ground, warm, sticky blood pouring from her chest and more gurgling from her lips. He presses his hands to her chest, not noticing the way her blood stains his hands and seeps into his nails, and begs her to stay alive. But when he looks up, her eyes are blank, staring at nothing.

He jolts awake and barely manages to stumble to the bathroom before he vomits in the toilet, throwing up nothing but acid and bile. He’s sweating, his clothes sticking to him, and he pulls them off while cranking the shower on. He stands under the scalding water, letting the water burn his skin and startle his body awake. A few minutes later he climbs out of the shower, water dripping onto the floor, and stares at himself in the mirror. There are dark circles under his eyes and his skin is pale and blotchy. His lips are pink and raw from where he was gnawing on them last night and he’s got a day’s worth of stubble on his face. What he wants to do is race straight over to the hospital but he remembers the captain’s words and forces himself to brush his teeth and swallow a cup of coffee with the promise to grab some form of breakfast at the hospital canteen. He pulls on a clean shirt and jeans before hurrying out of the door as he texts the rest of the squad to let them know he’s on the way to the hospital and will update them on Amy’s condition.

At the hospital, he prepares to flash his badge at the new nurse on reception but she nods at his name and lets him know he’s been placed on the visitors’ list.

He bounds towards the elevator and hurriedly pushes the button for the fifth floor. When the doors open though he slows. He’s terrified. They’re eight hours into Dr Yang’s twenty-four hour ‘danger’ period, a third of the way through, and he wants to have hope but he can’t stop himself from feeling scared. Yesterday had been hard. But now the reality has sunk in. Amy was shot. Amy almost died. Amy could still die.

Outside her room he stops and leans back against the wall, letting out shaky breaths and trying to blink away the tears in his eyes. Amy would laugh if she could see him now, shaking and crying at eight in the morning.

“Good morning.” He opens his eyes and sees the same nurse from yesterday. He feels a flash of guilt he never got her name and he glances down at the badge on her scrubs. Nurse Kim Waters. “She’ll be glad you’re back.” Hope flares in his chest and she must see the light in his eyes because she shakes her head. “She’s still in the coma. But I’ve been doing this job a long time and trust me when I say that talking to coma patients makes a real difference. They know when the people they love are there.”

Another deep breath and he opens the door to her room. Everything looks just as it did the night before except for the fact that the chair he had been sat in is now occupied by a tall woman with short dark hair. She’s clutching Amy’s hand in her own and a string of rosary beads in the other. The sound of the door opening catches her attention and she looks up at Jake.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll go.”

He takes a step back because interrupting Amy’s mom while she’s praying for her dying daughter is not how he ever wanted them to meet but she shakes her head and gives him a wobbly smile.

“Stay. You must be Jake.”

The fact she knows his name surprises him enough to stop and, when she beckons him forward, he takes the seat on the other side of Amy’s bed. The same wires and tubes surround her and he listens to the whir of the ventilator and the beep of her heart monitor.

“My daughter talks about you a lot.” She’s looking at Amy rather than him and he doesn’t know what to say. For the first time since he heard the news, a smile passes across his face and he desperately wishes Amy was awake so he could mock her for it. Then he thinks of Nurse Kim’s words and leans forward a bit.

“You told your mom about me? That’s so embarrassing for you, Amy.”

Her mom laughs at that. Her laugh sounds exactly like Amy’s and his heart twinges at the sound of it. Silence falls again and the pair of them sit and watch her, each of them holding her hand and hoping for some sign she knows they’re there.

A small sob from the other side of the bed makes Jake drag his eyes away from Amy and he sees her mother furiously wiping tears from her cheeks.

“Amelia always wanted to be a cop. She was so stubborn when she was a little girl. When her brothers would play cops and robbers, they would always try and make her a robber and she would always kick up a huge fuss until she got her way and got to carry the police badge. They all idolised my father and wanted to be cops just like him when they grew up. The rest of them grew out it eventually, moved on to other things. Not my Amelia though. She never wanted to be anything else. And now…mija…”

She’s crying properly now, tears falling down her cheeks, and Jake doesn’t know what to do. He’s terrible at comforting people normally but this is Amy’s mom.

“Mrs Santiago, I know this is scary but Amy loves her job. She’s brilliant at it, the best detective we have. She got shot because she was doing the right thing, catching a terrible guy who hurt people. I know if Amy had the choice between a safe job and a dangerous one where she could make a real difference, she’d always choose the latter.”

It’s silent for a moment, nothing but the beeping and whirring of Amy’s machines, but then she reaches across and squeezes Jake’s hand.

“You are a good boy, Jacob. My daughter has good taste. And please, call me Sara.”

He flushes at her compliment and hopes that somehow Amy can hear her mom’s approval.

“Good morning.” Dr Yang strides into the room followed by a group of doctors Jake doesn’t recognise. “You must be Mrs Santiago, Amy’s mother.”

She doesn’t offer to shake Amy’s mom’s hand, instead picking up the chart from the end of Amy’s bed and fiddling with some of the machines.

“I’m Doctor Grey and these are my interns,” a doctor with bobbed dark hair says, holding out a hand Sara and then Jake. “You don’t have to stay for this bit. We’re a little behind on rounds and visiting doesn’t technically start for another hour.”

“I’d like to stay.” Sara’s tone is firm.

“Me too.”

Dr Yang turns her attention to the group of doctors and points at a tall, gangly one at the back. “You, tell me about the patient.”

He flips through a notebook. “Amy Santiago. Thirty-two. Brought in last night with a GSW to the chest. Surgery was performed to remove the bullet and repair damage to the lungs and heart. Transfer from bypass led to patient being without oxygen for five minutes. 10mg per kg of phenobarbital was administered to induce a coma while patient recovers. If removal from the coma is successful, Dr Shepherd will consult in regards to potential complications.

The doctor’s last words hang in the air and he seems to realise what he’s said a moment too late when a look of panic passes over his face. _If removal from the coma is successful._ Sara clutches her rosary beads tighter and presses a kiss to her daughter’s hand. Jake’s palms start to sweat and he holds Amy’s hand tightly, tracing his finger over the lines on her palm. Gina had spent their teen years reading everyone’s palms and he traces Amy’s life line, noticing the way it trails almost all the way to her wrist. She’s meant to have a long life. A shitty perp doesn’t get to change that.

He draws himself back into the room in time to hear Dr Yang reel off numbers that mean nothing to him but gain nods from the other doctors.

“That’s a good sign,” Dr Grey whispers to them as Yang interrogates another intern. “Her heart is doing well and they might be able to try and bring her out of the coma as early as tomorrow.”

“Mouse,” Yang interrupts as she points at a shorter woman with a blonde quiff who’s chewing nervously on her pen. “You’ll be on my rotation and monitor my patient today.”

With that, the doctors sweep out of the room and hurry on to the next patient.

Amy’s mom brings her daughter’s hand to her lips and kisses it again before talking in rapid Spanish. Jake doesn’t understand what she’s saying but he sees the tears in her eyes and the small smile on her face though and knows she has hope.

* * *

 

Her mom leaves in the afternoon to shower and bring Amy’s dad and her youngest brother from Jersey. She warns him they’ll be something of an ambush in the evening as she can only hold off her sons for so long, and he lets her know that the rest of the squad also plan to visit when they get off work.

“You hear that, Ames,” he says as the door closes behind her mom. “You’re going to be surrounded by visitors tonight and it’d be rude for you to sleep through that. So if you could just get better so they can take you out of that pesky coma then that’d be great.”

The steady beeping of her heart monitor is his only answer.

“I know. You’re doing the best you can. It’s just…I miss you. I was so scared when I heard you’d been shot. You can’t die, Amy, you can’t.” Tears sting in his eyes and he clutches tightly at her hand, willing her to hear him. “What would I do without my best friend? And if you ever tell Charles I said that then I’ll…” The threat dies on his lips. “I won’t do anything because you’d be alive and talking and that is all I want right now. You have to survive this, Ames. Please keep fighting. You have to live.”

The rest of the afternoon is spent reading aloud the texts Gina sends him of what they’re missing at the precinct and recounting all the embarrassing things that have happened to Amy in her time at the 9-9.

The sound of footsteps and chatter from down the hall signals the arrival of her brothers and Jake has just enough time to wipe away any remaining tears and run a hand through his hair before the door bursts open and a crowd of guys charge into the room. They don’t notice Jake, their eyes focused on their sister, and he takes the chance to slip to the back.

“You don’t have to go Jake.” Sara’s hand is on his arm and he can see where Amy gets her kindness from. “They would like to meet you.”

“I’ll come back in a little while,” he assures her. “I could use some food and the rest of our squad will be arriving soon.”

She nods and he slips out of the room as the Santiago family rally around their injured member. If he was the one lying in a hospital member, the only family member he has that would come and see him would be his mom. Whereas Amy is surrounded and he knows Sara had to be firm and refuse to have sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews crowding into the hospital room too. Amy is so loved and needed. The hole that will be left if she doesn’t make it…

He gasps for air as he chokes on a sob and an elderly woman walking the corridor stares at him. He can feel the tears burning in his eyes and he grapples for the handle of a door labelled ‘storage closet,’ throwing himself in just before he crumbles to the floor. He puts his head between his legs and tries to gasp for air but all he manages is to sob even harder, tears streaming down his cheeks and his shoulders shaking.

The stress and pain of the last twenty-four hours slam into him and he can’t stop himself crying. He gulps and gasps for air as he sobs and makes unattractive noises like a wounded animal. He’s spent the past six weeks keeping his distance from Amy and acting like being on pause – whatever the hell that means – is fine.  He has forced himself to be professional and shut off any personal feelings towards her. It’s been weird and awkward and he’s hated every second of it but it’s what she wanted so he’s done it, waiting like a desperate puppy for her to signal that she’s ready to come off pause. Except she never signalled and now she’s in hospital fighting for her life and he’s wasted so much time and might never get the chance to be anything more than her friend and partner.

If he loses her then he’s never going to come back from it. She means too much to him. She is too important to him. He can’t lose her.

The door opens and bright light cascades into his closet. He waits for the reprimand from a member of staff when the familiar smell of Britney Spears’ perfume wafts over him.

“Oh Jake.” And then there’s Gina, shutting the door and dropping to the ground, hugging him tightly as he cries on her shoulder in a way he hasn’t done since he was sixteen and his dad never showed up for his birthday like he promised. She rubs her back and doesn’t say a word, simply letting him cry until he’s too exhausted to anymore.

She passes him a tissue and he wipes the tears and snot from his face, flushing with embarrassment at her having witnessed his breakdown.

“Go splash some water on your face,” she says as they stand up. “We’re all down in the canteen.”

Then she’s gone without a word about what she’s just witnessed and he feels a rush of love for his oldest friend.

By the time he looks vaguely presentable and gets down to the hospital canteen, the squad are gathered around the table with cups of coffee. There’s a slice of pizza and a plate of fries in the middle of the table and Terry pushes them at him the moment he sits down. He didn’t realise how hungry he was until he was faced with hot food and he shovels the fries into his mouth, not caring about Charles and Rosa’s looks of disgust.

When he’s finished, Terry passes him a soda which he guzzles down as quickly as the food.

“How is she doing?” Charles asks when Jake puts down the drink.

He thinks carefully because how does he explain it when everything is so uncertain? “She’s okay. They might be able to try and bring her out of the coma tomorrow. Her heart’s doing well and the doctors seem positive.” It’s not  much but it’s all they’ve been given.

“Are we allowed to see her?”

“You should be. Her brothers are in at the moment but I’m sure they won’t mind some extra guests.”

They clean up their rubbish and Jake leads them along the familiar path to Amy’s room. As they turn onto the CICU, he notices Rosa dropping back and he allows the others to move ahead so he can catch up with her.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t go in there, Jake.”

“I know it seems scary but she’s doing alright and none of it’s as bad as it looks.”

“No I can’t go in there before it’s my fault.”

He had noticed Rosa’s guilt last night but he thought that in the light of day she would see things differently. The guilt is still clearly written on her face though.

“Rosa, that’s ridiculous. It’s not your fault.”

“I was supposed to have her back out there. She was my partner and I was meant to cover her. Instead she got shot because I wasn’t doing my job.”

“You did everything you were supposed to do and I know Amy would say the same thing. How were you supposed to know the guy would go for her gun? Do not blame yourself for this. That’s the last thing Amy would want.”

She doesn’t look convinced but he gives her his most determined look and she follows the rest of the group into Amy’s room. The number of people in the room must be in violation of hospital policy but someone has obviously sweet talked the nurses because Amy’s brothers and parents are all squeezed around her bed.

“We apologise for intruding but we wanted to see how Amy was doing.”

“You must be Captain Holt.” Sara stands up and shakes his hand. “My daughter speaks very highly of you.”

Sara identifies all the members of the squad correctly and Jake wonders just how often Amy tells her family stories about them. However, when she gets to Rosa she stops, and she visibly stiffens under the older woman’s gaze.

“You’re Rosa. You were out in the field with my daughter last night, weren’t you?” Rosa nods and steels herself for whatever attack she thinks is coming. “The doctor told me that if it wasn’t for you, my daughter would have died before the ambulance ever arrived. Thank you.”

Before Rosa can react, Sara hugs her tightly and Amy’s dad shakes her hand firmly. She catches Jake’s eye over their shoulders and he smiles as the guilt washes off her face. Amy’s brothers line up to shake her hand, expressing their thanks for saving their sister’s life, and greet the rest of the squad. While Sara introduces each member of the squad in turn, the men all nod, their names obviously sounding familiar.

“And this is Jake.” Sara wraps an arm around his shoulder and squeezes. The nods turn into knowing looks and the younger guys start laughing and jostle to hug him.

“The infamous Jake,” the one who Jake thinks is Marco says and he pats him on the back.

“We have heard so much about you.”

“The boy who stole our little sister’s heart.”

Charles audibly squeals at that comment and Jake feels his ears start to burn.

“Leave him alone, boys.” Jake straightens as Amy’s dad shakes his hand. He has Amy’s eyes but they’re rimmed red at the moment and he can’t imagine the pain the man is feeling. “It’s good to finally meet you, Jake. I wish it was under better circumstances but that is the way of life.”

“It’s good to meet you too, sir.”

They’re shuffling around and dragging in more chairs, chattering about nothing to fill the silence of the missing voice in the room, when one of Amy’s machine begins emitting a high pitched, rapid beep.

“What’s going on?”

“Nurse! We need help in here.”

A nurse he doesn’t recognise comes in and starts fiddling with the machine that’s beeping loudly, Amy’s heart monitor.

“Page Dr Brookes and Dr Yang,” he shouts to the nurse in the corridor. “I need you all outside. Now.”

“What’s happening?”

“Is she alright?”

“Is she okay?”

“Your sister needs medical attention and you need to be outside. All of you. _Now_.”

His tone makes it clear that he won’t welcome any arguments and they pile out of the door as Dr Brookes, the intern from this morning, comes running into the room. They watch helpless from the corridor as she injects something and the heart monitor keeps on beeping at too fast a pace.

“She’s in VFib. I need a crash cart in here.”

There’s a burst of activity from further down the corridor and he can Amy’s mom crying but he can’t tear his eyes from the sight in the other room. The doctor is doing CPR but he can read the frustration on her face.

“Get me that damn crash cart now.”

People hurtle past them but none of them move as they watch the doctor continue with the chest compressions while the nurses unload the cart. Jake’s hands are curled into fists and he’s clenching them so hard that his nails are digging into his palms but he can’t stop. It’s like watching a scene from ER as the doctor straps pads to Amy’s chest and shocks her with the paddles except it’s really happening. Amy is dying in there and there’s nothing he can do.

Dr Yang rushes past them and the whole thing seems to move in slow motion as they shock her again and again. Part of him is just waiting, waiting for the moment he is sure is coming, but then the high pitched beeping stops and the familiar sound of the machine’s normal beep bounces through the corridor.

An audible sigh of relief escapes every single one of them. Jake steals a glance and notices he’s not the only one looking like they’re on the brink of collapse.

“Where are you taking her?”

The doctors and nurses are wheeling her bed out of the room, the collection of monitors and wires trailing behind her.

“Sir, I need to get your daughter into the OR now. There’s a tear in her heart. I can either explain to you why that’s bad or you can let me get on with saving your daughter’s life.”

She doesn’t wait for an answer. The doors swing closed, taking Amy from view, and the group of them are left in her hospital room with nothing but the large space where her bed had been.

* * *

 

The next four days are only distinguishable for Jake by the times he drags himself home to sleep restlessly in his own bed for a few hours, shower, and change one plaid shirt for another. Otherwise he spends his time in Amy’s room, talking to her about meaningless crap and watching as her chest rises and falls. Her mom is there most afternoons and she tells stories of Amy’s childhood, telling them as much for her silent daughter as she is for him, filling him on all the things that make Amy who she is. Amy’s dad and brothers come to visit in the evenings and he normally slips out then and hunts down food in the canteen, but they often ask him to stay or join him for a cup of coffee as evening gives way to night. He gets to know Amy’s brothers and learns their quirks and the parts of Amy that they have in them. They feed him story after story about their sister - embarrassing ones from her older brothers and adoring ones from her younger ones - and relish any he tells them about their adventures at the 9-9.

Alex and Marco invite him to play basketball with them ‘once everything is back to normal’ and he accepts even though he wonders if everything will ever be normal again.

The doctors and nurses are positive though. Since Amy was rushed into surgery she’s been stable and Jake swears he can see the colour returning to her cheeks as her vital signs slowly improve.

It’s on Amy’s sixth day in hospital that he wakes up to a text message from Sara.

‘The doctor has said they’re going to try and wake her up today. –Sara.’

Excitement thrums in his veins as he reads the words over and over until they blur on the screen and he swears he’s never gotten ready so fast in his life. In fact, his belt is still undone and his shirt incorrectly buttoned as he hurtles down the subway steps but he doesn’t care because Amy Santiago is waking up today and nothing else matters.

Sara is downstairs getting coffee when he arrives and he slides into Amy’s room just in time to see Dr Yang poking and prodding at her monitors.

“Good morning.” Her tone is brisk and he’s pretty sure she doesn’t even remember his name but he can’t care. Instead he rocks back and forth on his heels and watches her expectantly, his fingers tightly crossed in his pockets. “All her vitals look good and I see no reason why we can’t ease her off the barbiturates today.” He beams at that and he swears he would kiss the doctor if her face wasn’t so sour. “It’ll be a difficult few hours for her. She’ll come out of the coma slowly and most likely be disorientated in the beginning. Once she’s alert and stable, the nurses will page Dr Shepherd who’ll come and do a neuro consult to identify any possible brain damage.” She pauses and fiddles with her pager. “She’s strong and she’s doing well. Focus on the good news.”

Then she’s gone, her eyes on her pager and her mind on the next case.

“You ready to come back to reality?” Jake pokes her arm lightly. “You can’t lie around in bed all day, Ames. Time to wake up, lazy bones.”

He feels lighter than he has in days and his joy is shared by Sara who smiles widely when he tells her the doctor’s news. Nurse Kim comes in and fiddles with the monitors.

“We’re lowering her dose now and once she’s stable enough to breathe on her own then we’ll remove the ventilation and feeding tubes. It’s best to do that before she wakes up to avoid any additional discomfort. After that, it’s just a matter of waiting.”

That’s what they do. They wait. Nurses come in and out every hour, poking and prodding at Amy and fiddling with the machines. The rest of the time Sara reads a book and Jake plays Kwazy Kupcakes on his phone, beating Gina’s highest score and sending her a screenshot in celebration.

When Kim comes to remove the ventilator, she encourages them both to go and get some lunch. They both try and protest but she’s adamant that they go.

“Amy won’t feel a thing when we remove the tube but the body naturally struggles and it’ll be far more painful for you than it is for her.”

Finally, when she promises them they can come back in exactly half an hour, they walk downstairs and get coffee from the canteen. It’s July and summer has officially arrived in New York so they move to the small garden which is empty save for a couple of doctors enjoying their lunch.

“So, Jacob, you’re in love with my daughter?”

Whatever he had expected her to say, it wasn’t that. He coughs and splutters on the coffee he’s drinking but Sara doesn’t so much as flinch at his floundering. She reminds him so much of Amy that it hurts.

“What?”

“I may be an old woman now but I was young once and I know a man in love when I see it. You have sat at my daughter’s bedside for almost a week. That is the act of a man in love.”

He thinks of Amy’s distance over the past few weeks and shakes his head. “She doesn’t feel the same.”

“Sometimes my daughter can be rather stubborn.” He snorts at that. “She has very strong ideas on how things should be and I love that about her. However there are times when she gets in her own way and does not do what is best for her.”

He thinks of his confession a year ago, the way she had stuck with Teddy even when he made her unhappy, and wonders just how much her mom knows.

“Amelia is a smart, kind girl and I know you see that in her. It is a very good man who loves as strongly as you do. She can be stubborn and difficult but do not give up on her. She will realise what her heart wants in the end.” She stands up and drops her coffee cup in the bin. “I think I will stretch my legs for a little while before we return upstairs.”

In the ensuing silence, Jake carefully weighs her words. It’s been more than a year since he told Amy he liked her, one and a half since their ‘date’ when he had first contemplated the idea that what he felt for her went further than the bonds of friendship. He’s tried to move on and he had almost convinced himself that he loved Sophia. He’d been crushed when she dumped him but now, with some distance, he recognises that the loss he mourned was not her but the feeling of being in a relationship. He had moved on from Amy and then it had all crumbled to reveal the feelings he had simply buried in an attempt to protect his heart.

He wants to be with her. He knows that. He knows it in the way he knows that her favourite flavour of yoghurt is mixed berry and that she has a weird crush on Joe Biden. Almost losing her is the most terrifying thing that’s ever happened to him and he doesn’t want to waste more time dancing around their feelings. They work in a dangerous job and these past few days have reminded him how easily things can go wrong.

 _Still could go wrong._ Amy may be stubborn and difficult and smart and kind but that was the Amy of a week ago. However much the doctors and nurses avoid saying it, there’s no guarantee that the Amy who wakes up will be the Amy he talked to last week. He’s heard the stories about brain damage changing personalities, losing memories and shifting a person’s whole sense of self.

He loves Amy but he doesn’t know if she even knows who he is anymore.

* * *

 

The wait for her to wake up is excruciating. Jake spends the first half an hour simply watching her breathe, marvelling at the fact that she is doing it all on her own. He texts the squad updates and they respond like a mini cheering section, all of which he reads out to Amy, even doing voices to try and help jog her memory. Sara smiles behind her magazine at his impressions and he wishes Amy would wake up already and see how much her mom loves him.

The nurses pass in and out performing more checks on her vitals and repeating their warnings that Amy will be disorientated for a while and will most likely drift in and out. They tell them not to panic if she seems unsure or forgetful, and remind them that she’s been heavily sedated for the past five days, her memory is going to be cloudy no matter what. 

Its four o’clock when they notice the first signs of movement. Jake is fiddling with his phone when he glances up and sees Amy’s eyes flickering.

“Amy?” Sara looks up and he knows she sees it too. “Amy?”

They each grasp her hand and wait, watching her closely, each of them terrified to so much as breathe. When he feels her fingers squeeze around his, he draws in a sharp breath and grins. The first time her fingers twitched he had been so excited until the nurse explained it was an unconscious reaction. But this, the tight grip she has on his hand, is pure Amy.

“Amelia, it’s your mom. Can you hear me?” Her eyes flicker again and Sara puts a hand over her mouth to quiet her sob.

He squeezes her hand again and watches her eyes flicker until suddenly they flutter open and he’s staring at the brown eyes he hasn’t seen in almost a week and feared he might never see again. Her eyes look around the room unfocused and she looks right through them at first, blinking and staring. Her forehead crinkles and Jake realises she has no idea where she is.

“Amy, don’t panic. You’re in the hospital. There was an incident but you’re okay.”

She doesn’t look at him when he speaks but her forehead smoothes out and he knows she understands.

“Do you want some water, mija?” This time Amy’s eyes focus on her mom and something that might be recognition passes through them. “Can she have water?” she asks Jake and he shrugs and they settle for paging the nurse who swoops in and feeds Amy ice chips and repeats that she’s in the hospital but she’s okay.

By the time Amy’s sucked on an ice chip and the nurse has put the cup down, her eyes are closed and she’s breathing softly again.

“She recognised us. That has to be a good sign, doesn’t it?”

Jake doesn’t know. It might have been recognition but he can’t allow himself to take one look as a sign that everything will be okay. He can’t believe he’d be that lucky. So instead he texts the squad while Sara goes and rings the rest of her family.

 _Jake (4:23)_ amy woke up! gone back 2 sleep now. will let u no when she’s up again.

 _Terry (4:26)_ Great news! Send her our love.

 _Charles (4:28)_ Awesome! Crying! Tell her I’ll bring her decent food when she’s ready.

 _Gina (4:30)_ Tell her to brush her hair. It probably looks like a rat’s nest by now. And let her know I’m happy she’s ok

 _Rosa (4:31)_ Hope she’s alright. I’ll come by and see her tomorrow.

 _Holt (4:45)_ That is excellent news. Let her know we are all very glad she is okay. Also your leave has been extended for a further three days. Holt.

The array of messages makes Jake smile and he shares each of them with Amy.

The next time she wakes up, it’s almost six o’clock and she groans quietly, alerting them both that she is awake.

“Amelia?”

“What…happened?” Her voice is gravelly and low and Sara feeds her ice chips and tells her not talk. But Amy is never satisfied without answers and she tries again. “Where...am…I?”

“You’re in the hospital. There was an accident at work.”

She swallows slowly and struggles to form her next word. “Acc…acc…accident?”

They catch each other’s eyes over her bed. She doesn’t remember. He sees tears forming in Sara’s eyes and he steps in, Amy’s eyes flicking to him as he takes her hand.

“You and Rosa were chasing a suspect.” He speaks slowly and watches her face for recognition. “There was a struggle and he got your gun. You were shot. Do you remember that?” She frowns and shakes her head. He tries to squash the rising panic and forces his voice to remain calm. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

Her eyes close and he thinks she’s fallen asleep but then he sees them flickering and realises she is sorting through her memories, trying to figure out the last thing she can recall. Her eyes open again and he feels that same nausea in his stomach at what her answer might be. He flicks through the worst case scenarios – a memory from six months ago, a year ago, five years ago.

“We were in the corridor.” Her words are slow and slurred but she’s forming coherent, grammatically correct sentences which puts another tick in the ‘no brain damage’ column. “You had a ball.” She thinks some more. “You were being weird.” She smiles. “Kiss.”

He knows the memory she’s thinking of, their last conversation before Rosa and her had gone out on their call and all of this had started. But there was definitely no kissing.

“We didn’t kiss then.” Out of the corner of his eye he sees Sara raise an eyebrow but he keeps his eyes fixed on Amy.

“No.” She swirls more words around in her mouth, trying to form what she wants to say. He can see that she’s tired and struggling and he’s about to tell her it’s okay when she speaks. “I wanted to kiss you.”

Her eyes flutter close and she’s gone again meaning she doesn’t see Jake’s wide grin or hear his loud laugh.

_Jake (6:11) amy is still amy – deeply in love with me._

_Gina (6:15) she definitely has brain damage then_

* * *

 

Two days later Jake bounds up the stairs, too excited to wait for the elevator. He had given the Santiagos their privacy yesterday,  not wanting to intrude on their time with an awake and talking Amy, and had gone into the precinct. He had been horribly useless. Amy’s empty desk had darkened his mood and he’d flicked through paperwork without reading what was in front of him. He had only brightened when Alex sent him a picture of Amy sat up in bed and he’d proceeded to show the entire precinct, even those who had no clue who Amy was. Eventually Holt had sent him home and he’d spent the evening marathoning Die Hard and resisting the urge to go to the hospital.

Today though, today is his time. Sara isn’t coming until two meaning he has six whole hours to talk Amy’s ear off and catch her up on everything she’s missed.

He bounds into her room and grins at the sight of her sitting up in bed. The nurses are beginning to get her moving and he has no doubt she is pushing herself for as quick a recovery as possible. A doctor is sat on her bed showing her a series of flashcards and Jake swallows down his own insecurity as he notices how attractive her doctor is. Seriously, did he come straight from the cover of GQ?

“Can you tell me what you just saw?”

“Plane. Cat. House. Apple. Fish.” The smug smile on her face lets him know Amy has got them alright.

“Excellent. Well, Amy, like I said, we’ll take you for a CT scan this afternoon just to make sure but everything seems to be working perfectly on the neurological front.”

“Thank you, Dr Shepherd.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got less witty and awake patients to go and charm.”

Amy laughs at that and Jake throws her a look as he sits on her bed.

“Were you flirting with your doctor?”

“He’s married and has three kids.”

At her scornful look, he grabs her hand and squeezes it.

“What’s that for?”

“Just glad you’re here.”

The door opens and Jake leaps off her bed before breathing a relief at the sight of Kim.

“Alright Amy, time to lie back down.”

“Can do five more minutes.”

“I’m sure you can. Your body can’t though. A surgeon cracked open your chest a week ago. Let’s give your body at least a little time to recover before we start overachieving.” Kim smirks at Jake as she lowers Amy’s bed and they both register the look of relief that washes over her face as she lies flat. “You want a little more morphine?” Amy hesitates and Jake catches her eye.

“Hey, don’t suffer just to impress me. I would have taken all the morphine I could get.”

She smiles at that and clicks a button beside her bed. There’s a small humming sound and liquid drips into her IV.

“The man’s right.” Kim fiddles with another machine and gives Amy a disapproving look. “You’ve barely touched your meds this morning. There’s no prize for suffering for suffering’s sake.”

Amy glowers at that but Kim simply laughs and walks out with the promise to see her in a couple of hours to try and get her standing.

Amy sniffs as Jake shifts in his chair and she glares at him.

“You’ve drunk coffee.”

“How else would I be awake this hideously early?”

Normally Amy would reprimand him because eight isn’t early in her book but her wit hasn’t quite returned yet so she settles for grumbling, “Miss coffee. Not fair.”

They talk about nothing for a little while and Jake notices how her responses are a little duller and not as quick or sharp as they would normally be. She’s still in pain and winces every so often. She clicks her little morphine button two more times in thirty minutes and drifts off mid-conversation, the lines on her face smoothing out as she forgets about bullets and pain and recovery. As she sleeps, he pokes around at the bunches of flowers that fill her room. There’s an elegant arrangement and he picks up the card to see who it’s from. _Take care of yourself, Santiago. From Ray and Kevin._ He makes a note to save that card; Amy will want to frame it for posterity. Another made up of white roses and accompanied by a box of chocolates Amy won’t be able to eat for weeks is from Teddy and Jake forces himself not to feel jealous. The most ornate of them all balances on top of the dresser and Jake plucks the card from the middle, helping himself to one of Teddy’s chocolates as he reads it. _The city thanks for your act of bravery, Detective Santiago. It is an honour to have you under my command. William Bratton._ Jake lets out a low whistle at that, suitably impressed, and he wonders if Amy will spontaneously combust at a personal thanks from the Police Commissioner himself.

Small groans draw Jake’s attention back to the bed and he sees Santiago shifting under the blankets. Her eyes slowly open and she reaches for the morphine drip before pulling her hand away.

“Amy, if you’re in pain then take the drugs. That’s what they’re there for.”

She shakes her head and he can’t bring himself to fight her. He hates seeing her in pain but he knows she’ll take them when she needs them.

“So I have a question,” she says as he settles back into the chair, feet hanging over the arm, and he finds her gaze fixed on him in that way he always finds a little terrifying.

“Go ahead.”

“Why are you here?”

“Well the snacks are excellent.” He waves the box of chocolates in her face. “And you won’t find better company anywhere else.” He smirks but she looks unamused.

“It’s…” She trails off and he watches her trying to work out the day of the week. She’d been shot on Thursday and had lost the next five and a half days leaving her in a state of perpetual confusion.

“Friday.”

“It’s Friday. Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Um, Holt gave me the day off.”

“But you were here a couple of days ago too.”

He considers keeping his extended absence to himself but it’s bound to come out at some point. He’d rather she hear it from him than anyone else.

“I popped into work yesterday but otherwise I haven’t been in all week, not since last Thursday.” He rubs the back of his neck and watches her face carefully as she connects the dots.

“You were here.” He nods. “Why?”

And in that moment he knows Amy Santiago is totally fine because only she could be this infuriatingly dense.

“Because you got shot. I was scared you were going to die and I would never have the chance to tell you that I love you.”

She blinks. She blinks again. Then she stares.

“Oh.”

He’s overwhelmed by a sudden urge to flee but he makes himself sit quietly while she processes his words. He was the one who confessed his feelings the night he went undercover. He was the one who kissed her in the evidence locker. He needs to know what she feels without him walking away and leaving everything up in the air.

“You love me?” He nods. “But we were on pause.”

“Well I tried my best but even a fictional pause button didn’t stop me from being into you. I knew that wasn’t what you wanted so I kept my mouth shut.” He shifts in his chair. “You want us to be on pause but you almost died. I don’t want us to keep wasting time and miss out on a real chance at this.” He scratches the back of his neck again and he watches her.

“I want to laugh but laughing hurts my chest so know that if I could laugh then I would be laughing right now.”

“And you would be laughing because I told a hilarious joke?”

“I _hated_ being on pause. I know things sucked without Holt but they were even worse when I had to pretend I didn’t have feelings for you anymore.”

And then he does laugh.

“The pause was your idea.”

“I only said it because you were freaking out about Holt and the new captain and I didn’t want to push you into even more change if you weren’t ready.”

“So you’re telling me we wasted six weeks pretending not to like each other because we were scared of upsetting each other?”

She smiles. “I like you, Jake, I really do.” She’s quiet for a moment. “It’s not love yet though. Is that okay with you?”

Amy Santiago is asking if it’s alright that she’s not in love with him yet, if her really liking him will do.  He desperately wants to laugh because he’s spent the past few days thinking she was going to die or wake up irreparably changed. He thought he had lost her forever. The idea of having to wait a little while for her to love him is a scenario he hadn’t entertained in even his wildest dreams this past week. He would wait an entire lifetime for her to love him back so long as that meant she was alive and breathing.

“Amy, that is more than okay. How about this? Let’s put us on pause.” He sees the panic flair in his eyes and he knows he’s being mean but he’s missed this. He’s missed them. “Focus on getting better and actually being able to stand by yourself. Then, on your first night back as a fully functioning member of the human race, I’ll take you out for dinner and we’ll talk about us.”

“As in a date?”

“A real, proper date.”

“You won’t wear cargo shorts?”

“Amy Santiago, as you live and breathe, I promise not to wear cargo shorts on any date with you ever again.”

“Okay. It’s a date.”

She smiles sappily at him and he lets himself smile back, holding her hand in his. The whirr of her morphine machine delivers another dose and it’s not long before her eyes drift close and she falls asleep.

Jake knows he should probably text the squad to let them know how she’s doing and he could use another cup of coffee and a trip to the bathroom. But Amy Santiago is alive. She’s breathing and her heart is beating and Jake thinks it’s easily the moment incredible sight he has ever seen. Everything else can wait. As he watches her chest rise and fall, he knows there’s nowhere else he would rather be. And, as he squeezes her hand in his own and shifts his chair closer to the bed, he thinks he would be totally and utterly happy if all he did for the rest of his life was just watch Amy Santiago live.

**Author's Note:**

> My medical knowledge all comes from Grey's Anatomy and Google so I apologise for any and all medical inaccuracies.


End file.
